The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
