Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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