but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
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