I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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