no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
