she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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