I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
