I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
