My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
