What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
