How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
