Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Did you just see the Batmobile???
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
