I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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