every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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