Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I wish they made helmets for livers.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
