its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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