you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
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