hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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