I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
