he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize