I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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