I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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