He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
