please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
