Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I could make wine with my vomit
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
