Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
