I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
