On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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