he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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