Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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