Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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