some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
