my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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