why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
