We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
