apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
