She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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