I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
