I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
