Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
