dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
