After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My dick has a subreddit
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
