i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
