I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
