If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
