Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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