I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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