I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
