So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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