Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
