I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She bit a glass in half.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
