Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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