Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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