Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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