Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
