you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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