that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
is that a dick in a sweater?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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