Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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