You smell like a Billy Joel song
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
