I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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