I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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