What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
